A while back, I asked you nice chaps to send in questions for the Guppys. Well, I'd like to say thanks to everyone who did so... as promised, an undercover agent was sent in, posing as a talent-spotter for a seaside variety show, and here's what she found out:
Questions for Pat Guppy:
Q: Pat, what was your favorite thing about Benjamin?
A: Nobody could prune a bush quite like my Benjamin. He spent hours, nay days, tending to bushes all over the neighbourhood. Mrs Palmer had hers trimmed twice a month, and Benjamin took every care not to leave it completely bald, despite its old age and progressive thinning.
Q: How do you define the word charitable, and what's the most charitable thing you've ever done?
A: Many people are confused by the word charity, assuming it means giving to the poor, making shelter available to the homeless, or tending to the sick. The most charitable thing you can do for your neighbour is to point out all of those occasions when they wander off the straight and narrow path of social nicety. A faux pas that goes unchecked could call the good reputation of an entire town into question. I am devoted to the betterment of those who were not born so fortunate as to have had my breeding. I cannot possibly name one good deed as my pièce de résistance, as I have aided so many in this regard.
Q: Have your friends stood by you since your dear Benjamin died?
A: Oh yes! I am, as you know, so well-loved in Sea View. The members of several committees I've served on as chairperson for numerous years have been so concerned for my welfare that they have insisted... quite strongly as it happens... that I step down for the sake of my health. They need me so, and I know it is a great blow to them to lose me, but they have gone out of their way to see that I stay home and rest. Knowing how selfless I am, they have even gone so far as to keep meetings secret, in case I felt obliged to attend... they were worried that I'd strain something you see.
Q: Have you got a thing for Prince Philip?
A: If you are referring to the love letters which have been reported on in the Sea View Mercurial, I defy anyone to prove that I wrote them, that the lipstick kisses covering them came from my lips, or that I have ever had a photograph taken of me in the nude, let alone sent one to a member of the Royal Household!
Q: What do you miss most about Benjamin?
A: I miss the hours we spent, on balmy summer days, sitting out in the garden. Oh, those hot days, when I'd hitch up my skirt to let the sun get at my legs... oh that soothing breeze. Benny had such a good eye, and our neighbours so rarely drew their curtains... I miss those up-to-the-minute reports on Mrs Wilson's decorating of her spare bedroom.
Q: Is there any chance of you remarrying?
A: I've had offers. That can come as no surprise to you. The gentlemen of Sea View have been flocking to my door. Benjamin was one of a kind though, and I cannot think of replacing him with anything less than a count.
Q: Will you be doing more interviews?
A: Oh indeed I shall! I am far too charitable and selfless to deprive the great British public of so well-loved a celebrity. I shall do fifty or so more.
Q: Have you thought of writing your life story?
A: I have begun already, and it will soon be serialised in the Sea View Mercurial. I expect excellent reviews.
Q: If you were stranded on a desert island what ten things would you want to take with you?
1. A mirror
2. The photograph that was taken of me by the Sea View Mercurial when I was awarded a medal for being the most goodly of all do-gooders in the Sea View area. Preferably a 20 by 30 inch signed copy, like the one I have hanging on my bedroom wall, and on my bathroom wall, and living room wall, and...
3. The trophy I had made for myself to commemorate the above.
4. A skinned porkpie to remind me of my Benny.
5. A turnip, for the same reason.
6. A gramophone.
7. My favourite piece of music, 'The Trout,' to play on the above.
8. A pair of binoculars, just in case there is a neighbouring deserted island.
9. A camera, for the same reason.
10. An inflatable ring, for my haemorrhoids.
Questions for Mr Axley, about Benjamin Guppy:
Q: Did Benjamin love his bin more than Pat?
A: No, of course not! Er, will Pat get to read what you...er... write? ...No? Oh, in that case, yes he did.
Q: What would Benjamin have taken to a desert island if he'd been stranded on one?
1. A bin.
2. A back-up bin in case the first wore out.
3. Three different varieties of twigs.
4. A lifetime's supply of Tesco supermarket carrier bags.
5. A pair of binoculars, just in case there is a neighbouring deserted island.
6. A camera, for the same reason.
7. Vaseline, for the same reason.
8. A photograph of Floss Littleworth wearing nothing but her surgical stockings.
9. A lifetime's supply of tripe and onions.
