Sold at a recent Sotheby's auction for a whopping great big £2.36, and now in the hands of a private collector. Reproduced here for the first time, I give you two more lost poems by the late Benjamin Arnold Guppy.
'Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me'
Why hast thou forsaken me,
When I love you oh so much,
How I long to feel you close to me,
To tremble at your touch.
Nights spent alone,
Without you snuggled up to me in bed,
Days spent alone,
In misery whilst prostrate in my shed.
I search for you when shopping,
Chase shadows down empty aisles,
Which causes me discomfort,
As I still suffer from piles.
No longer can I carry home,
Thirty pork pies or more,
Stuffed inside my coat pockets,
I'm lucky if I manage four.
Clasped against my bosom,
Milk bottles, bread and cheese,
Teabags underneath my hat,
Down my trousers, frozen peas.
I can't go on much longer,
Without you here at hand,
To carry home my shopping,
My twigs and the odd rubber band.
So come home little carrier bag,
Retake your place at my side once more,
I'll fill you up 'til you're fit to burst,
With pilfered goods from every town store.
Say you'll stay with me, little carrier bag,
That you'll never leave me again,
And that every so often you'll let me,
Use you as a hat in the rain.
'Ode to Pat'
Oh Pat, I knew the moment we met,
That you'd be the one for me,
Though, truth be told, I'd have married anyone,
Who offered sex without charging a fee.
You've never been a looker,
And you smell like year-old pee,
But you're crooked and mean with it,
So you're just perfect for me.
Your bosom, large and sometimes prone,
To knocking me about,
Your bald patch, bad breath, and occasional fleas,
Didn't put me off any more than your gout.
The years have passed,
And here we are, still married and battling lice,
And I take it as a sign of your love,
That you've only tried to kill me twice.
